Breathe
by RaeC
Summary: SLASH: Set after Zero/Nicodemus. Lex finds out that life isn't as simple as he'd like it to be.


Breathe by RaeC. 

--- 

_Two men  
They started walking  
Started talking bout better days  
One says to the other  
We do it all again  
Seems I knew I would_

_-- Breathe, Nickelback, The State._

--- 

There is a special kind of agony with betrayal. A heartbreak that dissolves into disillusionment, distrust, and apathy. A pain that centers itself in the chest, splintering outwards, choking in its intensity. Ripping, shredding, tearing away the blind spots until nothing is left but emptiness, bitterness, and pain. A soulless intensity for vengeance. Righteousness mixed with a thirst for blood. Power to do the unthinkable, perhaps the impossible. And a hate that is as strong as desire, want and love. 

Betrayal. 

God forgive me but I don't know which is worse; that I hate Clark or that I love him. 

The evidence had been staring me in the face all along. I just chose to ignore it. Just as I ignored the car in the garage that I kept for whatever reason. Proof? Denial? Fate? 

"We all have our secrets, Luthor." Nixon's slimy voice rolls over my skin and I barely repress a shudder. 

"I warned you Nixon." Draining the last of my Scotch, I place the glass on the side table, waiting. There was more at stake here than a simple lie. It was my life. Clark's life. His parents life. God, how I hated him for putting me in this position right now. 

Nixon leaned over the back of my chair, bending down to speak near my ear. "That's when there was nothing to be found. This changes everything." 

"It changes nothing." I growl, knowing even as the words leave my mouth, that they are a lie. 

I flipped through the pictures one by one as he watches, my hands shaking slightly with anger. 

The blur that ended with Clark at the bus stop. 

Pointing to a rather interesting picture of Clark naked from the waist up, his veins bulging, glowing a weird sort of green, Nixon spoke again. "Your _friend Kent is a rather unusual teenager, Lex. I can see why you wanted me to stop investigating him." _

The casual stance as Clark lifted the tail end of his father's truck. "Then why didn't you?" I growl. It had been better not knowing. 

Clark wasn't normal. He was as far from normal as person could get. 

At least outside of Smallville. 

Irony. In the biggest way possible. 

"What do you want, Nixon." My eyes were still glued to the photographs, the evidence that my friendship with Clark was built on lies. Betrayal. 

"I'll be in touch, Lex." Slimy, cocky bastard. He pulls away with a pat to my shoulder and leaves. 

Leaves me here to think about what comes next. I don't like this. I don't like not being in control. And for the moment there's nothing I can do. Clark hasn't given me the choice to protect him, so I haven't. 

God, I hate Clark. 

--- 

"Lex?" Oh god, not now, Clark. Go home. He wouldn't react to the concern that Clark managed to lace into his name. Just sit here in the darkness, the fire the only light in the room, and drink. Drink until his body was numb. His mind blank. Cold. 

Lex was drunk and seriously considering staying that way for the next week. "What do you want, Clark?" Voice hard and brittle. 

"Are you okay? I've been calling you for hours." Clark was nervous. Good. He should be. Fuck, the boy shouldn't even be here. 

"That's probably because I didn't want to be disturbed." 

"What's going on?" 

"What does it look like? I'm celebrating." 

Confused is a good look for Clark. He's trying to understand me and I'm not ready to explain myself. Why should I? How many of my secrets have been splayed open at his feet? 

Grabbing the bottle of Scotch, I pour myself another glass and finish it in one swallow. 

"Lex?" 

"Go home, Clark." 

"Not until you tell me what's wrong." Oh yea! I'm the recipient of Clark's need to save the world today. Lucky me. He's standing there as if he has nothing better to do, arms crossed, mountains couldn't move him. Well, if that's the way we're going to play it. 

I can feel my face heating up. Anger making me take chances I normally wouldn't. Slamming my glass on the side table, I rose from my chair and stalked across the room to where he was standing guard. "You want to know what's wrong, Clark?" I hissed. "Want to fix it?" I pushed further into his personal space. Have to give him credit, Clark didn't back down. "Well, you can't." 

"Why?" Such innocence in that question. Pain. I can see him wanting to beg. 

"Because it's you, Clark. You're the problem. And that can't be fixed." 

"Me?" 

"Clark…" I turn away from him, even I can hear the purr in my voice, the danger in it. "Just leave. Get out of here before I do something I'll regret." 

Does he listen? No. Clark has to stay. His morals demand it. And as if this day had been scripted a long time ago, his hand falls onto my shoulder turning me around. "Too late." 

I laugh. He really has no idea what he's getting into does he? "Well, come on then, Clark. I have something to show you." Grabbing the photographs, I stalk off for the garage. Clean, pure rage driving me now. 

It's all in the script. Every good superhero deserves a villain worthy of him. I'd been chosen. Didn't mean I had to like it. Flipping on the switch in the garage, the car basks in the light. 

"Lex." Clark sounds exasperated. Good…just keep going with that thought Clark. That will make my revenge all the more sweeter. 

"Shut up, Clark." I grab his hand and drag him to the Porsche. "Do you know I almost believed you." Pushed Clark against the hood. "Would have believed you because I wanted to. Needed to believe that someone wouldn't lie to me." 

Fuck but he looked good half lying on the car, his body molding perfectly to the dent in the hood. It wouldn't take much to strip him and fuck him right there. Something must have shown on my face because Clark blushed. 

"Don't Lex. I…I could hurt you." 

Cold, calculating look. "You could, couldn't you. But it's a bit late for that don't you think?" 

"Wha…What do you mean." 

"I know all about you Clark. About the strength, the speed, the lies." And I can see it in his eyes, the betrayal. I pulled out five of the pictures I brought with me, throwing them at his face one at a time. 

This place always had a special meaning to me. I thought I'd found someone different, honest, that could at least be my friend. Now, the image of Clark tied to the posts was tarnished. The hand I'd held out that night, meaningless. 

"It's not what you think, Lex." The boy was panicking. 

"It's exactly what I think, Clark." 

"Just let me explain." 

"The truth will set you free, is that it, Clark?" 

"Yes." 

"And if it doesn't?" 

"Then I've already lost and it doesn't matter." 

"It's already too late." 

In the end we both know that I can't live without him. He's been a part of me; of who I am from the moment he saved my life. He's responsible for it, for me now. Is it such a bad thing to want? To need? To have something that's mine unfettered by my father, by my past, by what the future expects of me? This is who I am, what he's made of me. I don't know if I can let go of Clark. When I'm with him, it's a different me. Someone I could be. It will never happen, but I like to pretend. 

And now, now I can really pretend. Pretend that we are the friends that we'll never be again. 

Looking into his eyes I see the knowledge reflected back at me. 

I love him. I can't forgive him. And he knows. 

I pushed him back again. 

Showed him the last picture. 

The one where my guard was down and all the want, the need, and the desire I had was directed right at him. 

"Don't worry, Clark." I sneered as I stole the one and only kiss I'd ever get from him. "I've taken care of the photographer. I told you, I'd do anything to protect my _friends_. Your secret is safe." Rising, I threw the rest of the photos at him, falling to lie on him like stark colorless dead flowers. "Goodbye, Clark. Don't come back." 

I walked away, my heart breaking. I'd killed for him. And even I knew that was something he'd never be able to forgive. 

I love him. I hate him. 

I can't breathe. 

_All I ever really wanted was to be the same  
Equal treatment never ever comes  
and there they go again  
All I ever really wanted was to be like you  
So perfect  
So worthless  
If I could take it all back think again  
I would._

_ --Breathe, Nickelback, The State _

--The End-- 


End file.
